we support healthy, performance enhancing-free mustaches that contain no pesticides. Mustaches should be worn at the individual's own risk. Mustaches should not be worn by women who hope to find employment outside of waste collection or who are looking for male companionship. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause significant decreases in friendships, and approval by society at large. Unibrows, commonly referred to as "forehead mustaches," are not recognized by us. We do not support chin coverage (i.e. beards, goatees) as they represent the "spousal compromise." We strongly encourage consulting a physician before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression. We caution against trusting clean-shaven officers of the law. If a mustache-free constable attempts to stop your vehicle, dial 911 and proceed to the nearest police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet you with open arms. Please consider the environment before shaving your mustache.